It’s been over a year since my last post; and a little bit over a year since our last effort to have a 2nd child failed miserably. After we were done with that final cycle we both faced 2016 with a bit of expectation of “life after infertility” and excitement about what it would bring. Damn, little did we know that “life after infertility” is not an immediate healing process but rather a drawn out one.
Infertility destroyed our lives, destroyed us in the process, and destroyed us as individuals. Our daughter is the shining light in all of this and frankly it is probably the only reason that has gotten us up every morning since her birth. We lost our way in life and turns out that a year is not enough time to get it back. 2016 provided its own life altering challenges that blindsided us, but it also was barely the start of our new path to ourselves.
2016 destroyed dreams, destroyed egos, and destroyed us again. We were already vulnerable and in a raw emotional state; 2016 took advantage of that. For the first time in my life I really felt lost; nothing was fulfilling, nothing was bringing me any kind of excitement, challenge, or happiness. We just WERE. We would wake up, run through our day, and go to sleep. EVERY. DAY. We would put our happy faces on for the princess of the house and keep on going. Like a train on autopilot – we moved forward; we existed without being. Then 2016 came to a close as we realized the enormity of the “life after infertility” baggage and damage that we had.
We started 2017 with the faith that the life altering changes 2016 brought would be resolved, and indeed they were but not really in the way we thought they would be. Again we were blindsided by something we had not considered but that brought strange joy to our lives. JOY. What the hell was joy? It had been so long since we had felt true joy, since we had any dreams, any jitters on expectations. It was new and refreshing and nerve wracking to be in this state. It felt the same as the damned 2ww – after embryos are transferred and you wait for 2 weeks to find out if you are pregnant or not. It made us dream in a way we had not in a VERY long time.
And then alas it wasn’t meant to be. And just like that, the dream, the joy, the jitters were gone. “We can’t always get what we want but we get what we need” say The Rolling Stones; or as one dance teacher once told our girl “you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit“. God has a plan. Yes he does, but Jesus Christ why does he have to be so dramatic about it? So here we are heartbroken yet trusting, picking up pieces once again, and moving on once again. 2017 turns out will be more life altering than 2016 ever was, will close chapters I was not ready to close, yet will hopefully put us on the path to get back our lives, ourselves, and us. I have to believe that THIS path is THE path for us – as individuals, as a couple, and as a family. Trust has never been my forté and neither has letting go. Yet this time I am faced with the decision of having to do both at the SAME time. Letting go of that dream that was, letting go things I wasn’t ready to, and trust that it will all work out in the end. See God has a sense of humor when it comes to me; Alan says the same (but he’s mainly just pissed off because the NYGiants beat us twice in the SuperBowl).
We are, broken yet glued together, looking forward with excitement (or trying to) while we let go of what we were sure (ha! get it? we were sure!) was our path and firmly step on to the one HE chose for us.
Some of you know what I am talking about – and while you are welcomed to comment, please do so in abstract form. You know why. Others will wonder “what the heck is she talking about?” – don’t worry you will know before 2017 is over, once our storm passes and the sun comes out. Because tomorrow is another day and that day will bring us back home. This is definitely the year we leave everything behind and truly MOVE on to our new lives, to be PRESENT and enjoy and live every second of it.