Hope, Heartbreak and New Beginnings

Monday ended a THREE year journey for us – the quest for a sibling for our daughter.  After three years of needles, hormones, btichiness, hope and ultimately heartbreak our quest came to an agreed upon end.  When 2015 started we vowed this would be the year of our last fertility treatments.  It was three years or a roller coaster I don’t wish on anyone, of great emotional and financial investment.  Three years that took a toll on us personally as we hid our pain and disappointment from our miracle child – our daughter.  Our last attempt failed miserable with a negative pregnancy test.  I have no option but to accept this outcome and move on, and give our miracle child the best life and the most love we can.  As someone who always wanted four kids, this was beyond a kick in the gut.  But then again, blood family comes without insurance so maybe she is better off as an only child.  She would’ve made an excellent big sister.  She so wanted a sibling – and yet she still doesn’t understand fully why she can’t have one.  Infertility is one lonely journey; no one speaks about it but more than 1 in 4 suffer it. IN SILENCE. The friends I have made in this journey are not friends – they are SISTERS.  We were forged in fear, pain, hope and heartbreak.  We each celebrate our successes and suffer our losses as a collective.

As I reflect on these three years of HELL that ended with our dreams shattered and look at my daughter – our miracle child – and smile.  To all those who call us selfish for pursuing IVF to have our children I say FUCK YOU and BULLSHIT.  I want to see you all adopt a child – newborn or foster care – BEFORE having sex to have your own.  Then maybe, *maybe*, you have some standing to call me selfish.  Until then, please look at yourself in the mirror and see what a fucking hypocrite you are.  To the ignorant masses that say or believe that IVF kids – you know good old test tube babies – are “fragile”, “ugly”, or an “aberration” FUCK YOU too.  Read up and learn.  They are the same as any child.  Hannah would be exactly the same had she been conceived the old fashion way – you know SEX.  And to the men in capes and beanies of the Catholic Church – my church – who decided that kids conceived outside the womb are somehow less of a being in God’s eyes because they were not conceived out of LOVE – never mind that Jesus nor God never have said anything about this – an even bigger FUCK YOU.  It takes LOVE for a woman to freaking inject herself with Lupron the drug from hell, shoot herself daily with FSH, undergo an egg retrieval and endure intramuscular progesterone shots in her hips and an unbearable 12 day wait to see if all this bruising, and emotional and hormonal roller coaster paid off.  It takes LOVE for a man to undergo a biopsy to extract his boys, to inject his wife in the hip and to watch her come undone only in the hopes that at the end they will both be parents.  It takes LOVE for an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) an their nurses to suffer along with us, ultrasound after ultrasound to see how many follicles are developing and do try and calm us down, and to face us when the results are not what we hoped for.  And it takes LOVE from the embryologist to carefully match each egg with a sperm and watch as these little lives develop to be transferred into a womb.  So much LOVE that they even give you a picture of your child.

So many pictures of MY children that never came to be.  So many little angels watching us and our daughter from above.  So many tears in all those embryo pictures that I get to keep and show her someday.

As we close this chapter in our life, I look at my miracle child and understand more than ever that she is a miracle from God and Science.  That both worked together to make her happen.  That there is no time to shed another tear for another hope dashed because I have a husband, a child, students and a home to take care of.  That the next time you see someone with one child don’t be an ass and ask them when they are having a second – because I swear the next person to ask me will get a hell of an answer.  So unless you are willing to be someone’s counselor or provide them with the financial means to pursue their dream of being parents DON’T ASK ANYONE ABOUT HAVING ANY KIDS.  It’s none of your business and it is a world of hurt for those trying.

We were lucky – we made it to the OTHER side.  We became parents.  But for every one of us there are MANY who never make it, who end up with empty arms and a broken heart.

Infertility is a bitch – a mean one.  FUCK YOU IF.

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